Saturday, March 27, 2010

Last week of computer raffle

Today, it has been two months since Sydney Grace passed. It seems just like yesterday since I had her in my arms. At the same time it seems like a long time. A lot has happened in the past two months. Mr. Fodrie passed away. I have been back to work for four weeks. Joel has been really busy with work. We had a party in honor of all the people who helped our family and Sydney Grace. We have been busy.

I am currently planning Rafe's birthday party for next weekend. His birthday falls on Easter Sunday this year. We are having a party for him on Saturday. He is so excited. He will be drawing a winning ticket for the computer raffle next weekend. So many have bought tickets. There is still time to buy. Here is the information:

HERE IS WHAT YOU WILL WIN:
Dell Vostro 1520 Laptop Computer LOADED
Pentium T6670
2.2 GHz
4GB DDR2
800 MHz
320 GB Hard Drive
Windows 7 Professional
Cherry Red
Bluetooth Mod
8x DVD RW
Wireless card
9 cell battery
15.4" Anti glare screen

Chances are $20 each
OR 3 for $50
OR 7 for $100


If you want to have a chance to win the laptop, mail your check (made payable to Carteret General Hospital Foundation-Nursery, memo: Sydney Grace) to:

Glenn Lowe
P. O. Box 391
Harkers Island, NC 28531

Rafe will draw the winner on his birthday (April 4th) and I will notify the winner personally and make arrangements for delivery.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Sydney Grace's story part 3

As promised here is the final part of Sydney's story before and after birth.

When I reached week 28, I was still pregnant. I just knew I would deliver very soon. I had that range of week 28-32 in my head. I was ready as far as having everything planned but not ready emotionally (I don’t think I was ever ready for that.) When we first found out, I went into action. I wanted everything planned out. I wanted Sydney Grace to have a christening gown, some jewelry, and other things I would have of hers once she was gone. We talked to the doctors and expressed our wishes of doing a perinatal hospice for Sydney Grace. We talked to the funeral home and had her service planned. I knew once Sydney Grace was born, I would not be able to make many decisions.

Week 28 went by, then 29, 30, 31, and 32. Still no labor. At this point I starting to have what I believe to be panic attacks. I had one at school one day. My heart started beating fast. I felt light headed. My arms and legs felt like jelly. I did not know what was wrong. I called my doctor’s office and was told to go directly to the hospital. Nothing was wrong with Sydney or me. While at the hospital, I had a small breakdown. I just could not handle this anymore. I was so ready for this pain to be over. I was at the point in my pregnancy that I thought Sydney would have been born. I never imagined she would make it this long.

Since I had made it this far, I was given the option to be induced at 37 weeks. The problem, 37 weeks was December 23. I definitely did not want to be induced two days before Christmas. After having my small breakdown in November, I wanted to go ahead and be induced as soon as possible. At 34 weeks, if the doctors would have allowed it, I would have done it then, or so I thought. They would not for a number of reasons. The soonest would be 36 weeks. I actually went to the hospital on Dec. 14 with false labor. I was so upset during this, that the doctor offered to induce me that night, a few days before 36 weeks.

Now it was decision time. Just days before, I had decided to let go and let God be in control. My biggest fear was that Sydney Grace would be born and die during Christmas. I did not want that for Rafe. I wanted his Christmas to be the best. When the doctor offered to induce me I was back to wanting it to be over. I just knew that if I was induced the outcome would not be any different than if Sydney came on her own time. I was so wrong. I struggled that night. I wanted someone to tell me what to do. No one would. They said it was my decision. Then Joel said something that made me realize I could never decide to induce just for the sake of wanting it to be over. He said, “He wanted Sydney Grace with us as long as possible, if that meant two hours, two days, or two weeks.” He was not ready to give her up. I was not either. I wanted the pain to be over, not realizing if I decided to induce, the pain would probably be worse down the road. I would always have the “what ifs.” I went home that night content with my decision. I was blessed to have Sydney as long as possible.

I went back to the hospital again on December 30 thinking I could be in labor again. I was not. I had so many Braxton hicks contractions during this pregnancy. Once again, it was offered for me to be induced. Once again, I said no.

When I went to the doctor on January 5, the doctor strongly suggested that I get induced. This time it was because my blood pressure was too high. I was at 39 weeks and because of my blood pressure they did not want to take any risk to my health. I was admitted on the night of January 6. They started softening my cervix and were to give me drugs to induce labor the next morning. That did not have to happen.

In the middle of the night, I woke up with contractions, but they were not registering on the monitor, so they kept me on the medicine to soften by cervix. They continued for a few hours. Then my water broke and I was 3 cm. Forty-five minutes later I was 4 cm and ten minutes later Sydney Grace was born at 5:11am. Sydney Grace came so fast that the doctor did not even make it in on time. Two nurses finished delivering her. She was Frank Breach, which means her butt came out first, then her feet. I was trying not to push as the nurses were trying to get everything ready, but I could not help it. She basically just fell out. The nurses did help get her head out last. The first thing I asked was if she was alive. One nurse said, “I am sorry, but no.” I just started crying. I knew this was a very likely possibility, but I so badly want to see her alive if for only minutes. It seemed like an eternity, but probably only 15 seconds later, the nurse said she believed she heard a faint heartbeat. It was very week and irregular, but continued to get stronger and stronger as the hours went on.

On that first day, I remember counting the hours that she was alive. We never imagined she would live more than a few minutes with her heart condition. She kept getting stronger and stronger. She continued until day five. I really believe up until this point in my life, I had never experienced a day any worse than that day. We took her to Greenville to a pediatric cardiologist to determine if her fetal diagnosis was correct. Images of her heart would be greatly improved from those of when she was inside me. The doctor was very wonderful, but he confirmed that Sydney Grace’s original diagnosis was correct. One thing we found out was that along with her fatal heart defect, she had another defect that was keeping her alive. A ductus that closes after babies are born had not yet closed. This usually closes after a few hours or at most, a few days after birth. Sydney’s was extra large. This was what was keeping her heart from having to take over getting blood to the lungs. The ductus (PDA) was basically doing the heart’s job. We really did not have any idea as to when Sydney would pass. It could be on the car ride home or six months from now. After meeting with the doctor, we met with a genetic counselor. It was then that Sydney had her first apnea episode. I looked down and she was completely blue and stopped breathing. The doctor rushed back in and said her heart rate was down drastically. He could no longer hear the murmur (which indicated the ductus was closing or closed). He took another look at her heart with an ultrasound and it was back open. I had never been so scared in my life. The rest of the day I was so down. I was in this deep depression and had no idea how to get out of it. I believe Joel was really scared for me. I did not know how we could move forward. Knowing that she could die at any second or be with us for months.

The next day Sydney Grace had another episode, this time about 20 minutes. We thought it was the end. We called everyone to the hospital thinking she could not last much longer. That night the episodes continued to get worse and worse. Once again we called everyone in the middle of the night, thinking she would not make it to the morning. Once again she fooled us. Without being too graphic, let me just say, no one should ever have to witness their child go through these episodes, with some lasting more than 30 minutes. This was the first time, Joel and I, really started questioning God. We had accepted that we would not have Sydney Grace long. We were just so thankful to have her for any amount of time. We were now starting to understand why Sydney Grace had been placed on this earth. We were amazed at the number of people being brought to their knees in prayer because of Sydney. For the life of us though, we could not understand why Sydney had to suffer so much. Watching her struggle for a breath was heartbreaking. Why did she have to go through so much? I am not sure I will ever know.

Once again, it was time to pray for strength to be there for Sydney Grace during these times. As Joel said, “this was our new normal.” Having to deal with these episodes was sadly something we got used to. Obviously, it was not fun, but we were not so scared every time thinking she was about to die. Sydney Grace lived for 15 more days after her very first episode. We were able to bring her home. We were able to share her with probably close to 200 people. She was truly a blessing to so many people.

When Sydney Grace passed away, I am so thankful that she did not struggle. As I held her, and we looked at each other, her breathing just starting slowing down until she took her last breath at 2:07 am on January 27, 2010. It was just Sydney Grace, Joel and I in the room. It was so peaceful. I know this is going to sound weird, but it was a beautiful experience. I was privileged to be this child’s mother. God chose me. What an honor! She was inside me for 9 months. She came into this world with just Joel and me and two nurses. She left this world with just Joel and me with her.

Sydney Grace has taught me so much. One, I am much stronger than I, or anyone else, thought I would ever be. Because of her, I have seen Joel in a whole new light. He is such a good man. I am lucky to have him. She taught all of us what a miracle really is. It is the love of God.

Thank you, Sydney Grace, for being my daughter.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Ordinary Miracle

I heard the song "Ordinary Miracle" the other day. I instantly thought about Sydney Grace and the miracle that she was. On her first day, we counted the minutes then the hours that she was still with us. We knew that when she survived that first day that she was a miracle.

I decided to make a slideshow of just Sydney Grace's first day set to this song. I hope you enjoy. (Please remember to turn off the music at the bottom of the blog before you watch the video.)

Photography by Aly Dart.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Trisomy Awareness Month

March is Trisomy Awareness Month. Please visit www.trisomy.org to see how Trisomy abnormalities have affected so many families. Everyone knows about Trisomy 21, Down Syndrome, and now Trisomy 18, Edwards Syndrome, but there are many other Trisomy abnormalities. There are more families dealing with trisomies than I ever knew about. I never thought anything like this would happen to our family. I was wrong. Please pray for all the families who are living with this new reality, just as we are.

As I was looking at articles about Trisomy 18, I came across this video. I have tried to write about our experience and the choices we have made. This video shows two families that had to make the same decisions as us. When I looked at this video, it was like these families were taking the words out of my mouth. Please watch this to see how when faced with the terrible news, the same that we received 7 months ago, these families faced it with love and grace. As I have said before, when people say how strong they think I am, I say "I am no stronger than the rest." When you are faced with a situation like ours, you find the strength to get through it. I found my strength in God and my family. My nightly prayer has always been, "Thy will be done." I have always prayed for the strength to get through anything that life brings me. I truly believe that through the grace of God, I am getting through it. Some days are easier than others, but I know I will be ok.

I want to share a poem someone sent me a while back. It speaks to everything I am trying to say.

God’s Lent Child
I'll lend you for a little while
A child of mine, God said
For you to love the while she lives
And mourn for when she's dead.
It may be six or seven years
or forty-two or three;
But will you, till I call her back
Take care of her for me?
She'll bring her charm to gladden you
And -should her stay be brief-
You'll have her lovely memories
As a solace for your grief.
I cannot promise she will stay
Since all from Earth return;
But there are lessons taught below
I want this child to learn.
I've looked the whole world over
In my search for teachers true;
And from the things that crowd life's lane
I have chosen you.
Now will you give her all your love?
Nor think the labor in vain?
Nor hate me when I come to take
This lent child home again?
I fancied that I heard them say
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done"
For all the joys Thy child will bring
The risk of grief we'll run.
We will shelter her with tenderness
We'll love her while we may,
And for the happiness we've known
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for her
Much sooner than we've planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand.
~Author Unknown

Friday, March 12, 2010

Better Week

I have had a better week. Last week was my first week back at work. The teachers and students were wonderful, but I was having a hard time moving on and starting a new chapter after Sydney Grace. This week I think I have come to terms with my new reality. I still have moments that it hits me like a ton of bricks that Sydney Grace is gone. Just this afternoon I was pumping gas, and I almost starting crying. Who knows why? Nothing had happened. No one had said anything, but Sydney Grace popped in my mind and I so desperately wanted her.

Part of my good week was being able to take Rafe to see the high school musical of Willy Wonka. Rafe absolutely LOVES this movie. He was so excited seeing all the characters. There were little kids who played squirrels. He is now saying he wants to be in the play next year. Those of you who knows Rafe, knows that he loves to act. He will act out entire scenes from movies, word for word. He has always been like this. Of course, I am his mother and biased, but I really think he is very talented. I know, I know! All mothers probably think the same thing about their kids.

We are actually in Wilmington tonight. Joel has a conference down here, so Rafe and I drove down after school today. Rafe is so excited because he got to go swimming with his daddy in the pool. That is definitely their favorite thing to do when we stay at a hotel. Tomorrow we are going to probably see the USS North Carolina. I hope Rafe likes it.

Finally, thanks to everyone who has bought raffle tickets for the computer. We are raising lots of money for the hospital.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Raffle

As everyone knows by now, we are trying to raise money for the nursery and labor/delivery departments at Carteret General. There has been some things mentioned as to what to do with the money. One being possibly having a pediatric division of the Carteret County Hospice. Luckily, pediatric hospice is something that is not needed often here, but when it is, it is not available. We were trying to get services for Sydney, but never did before she passed due to insurance not wanting to pay for out of network services. Our family was lucky, we had a great support system where Sydney always had at least two adults with her at all times. There may be some families in the county that might not be so lucky.

Because of this we are trying to raise more money. My parents have purchased and donated a laptop computer to be raffled.

HERE IS WHAT YOU WILL WIN:
Dell Vostro 1520 Laptop Computer LOADED
Pentium T6670
2.2 GHz
4GB DDR2
800 MHz
320 GB Hard Drive
Windows 7 Professional
Cherry Red
Bluetooth Mod
8x DVD RW
Wireless card
9 cell battery
15.4" Anti glare screen

Chances are $20 each
OR 3 for $50
OR 7 for $100


If you want to have a chance to win the laptop, mail your check (made payable to Carteret General Hospital Foundation-Nursery, memo: Sydney Grace) to:

Glenn Lowe
P. O. Box 391
Harkers Island, NC 28531

Rafe will draw the winner on his birthday (April 4th) and I will notify the winner personally and make arrangements for delivery.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Two Months

Sydney Grace would have been two months old today. I wonder how big she would have been. She was so little when she was born (4 lbs 3.8 oz) and had gotten down to 3 lbs 12 oz. I wonder if she would have hit the 5 lb mark. I wonder if she would have been drinking from a bottle and not having to use the feeding tube. There are a lot of "I wonders..."

We had a pretty good weekend. It started off Friday with me visiting my cousin in the hospital after she had a beautiful baby boy. His name is Kenan Gage and was born 9 lbs 4oz. He has blond hair and I think looks like his uncle, Kenneth. Savannah, his older sister absolutely adores him. I did not know how I would feel visiting. I was really nervous I would breakdown walking up to the labor and delivery. I have to admit when I found out he was born, I did cry. I was wanting to have Sydney Grace back so badly. Gage being born brought back all the memories of Sydney's birth and our stay at the hospital. As I got off the elevator one of my favorite nurses was at the nurses station. When she saw me she got up and gave me a big hug. She made me feel so good. As I walked in the room I saw Gage, and I instantly wanted to hold him. There was no sadness for Sydney. I was holding another miracle of God.


Last night we had a party in honor of all the wonderful people that helped us with Sydney Grace. We honored the nurses and friends that made Sydney Grace's 20 days the best. I have talked before about how much I love the nurses at Carteret General. Last night three of those nurses were able to attend our party. I was so happy to see them again. We also had Hilary, Karen, Alan and Yvette, AnMarie, and all the Hancocks. These friends were so wonderful to our family during those twenty days and beyond. I have always heard the saying "you find out your true friends when times get tough.." Well we had so many friends support us through Sydney Grace's life. I don't know how we can ever thank them enough.

Today, within an hour of waking up our doorbell rang. Joel answered to find a flower delivery. We thought, "Who would be sending me flowers on a Sunday." It was my team at school, The Starfish. They knew today would have been Sydney Grace's two month birthday and sent me flowers. My team is the best. I was so blessed to be placed on the Starfish team when I was hired at the beginning of the year. My cup runneth over....


This afternoon I went to visit Sydney Grace's grave. When I got there I was surprised to see that her footstone had been placed. I was also surprised that I was actually not upset to see it there. I know some people might see their child's grave marker and be very upset. Upset to see their child's name on a grave. Of course I would give anything to have Sydney Grace back, but I saw her marker as another way to show this world that she lived. That she will never been forgotten. As others walk through the cemetery, they will see her name and know that there was a little girl that graced our presence for twenty wonderful days. They might never know what a miracle she was, but they will know that she was "our borrowed angel."

Friday, March 5, 2010

Aly's Photos

This week has been interesting. Getting back to work has been great. I LOVE my school. My coworkers are great. They are so supportive. The students are wonderful. They have been so good. They are amazing kids. With school being so good, it is weird to say that this has been one of my hardest weeks since losing Sydney Grace. I have cried more this week than in the past couple of weeks. I am really missing her.

Yesterday I got a treat. Aly came over to my house to share all the photos she took of Sydney. ALMOST 3000! I loved looking at them. Now I have to decide what pictures to buy. There are so many, I don't know how I will ever be able to make a decision.

Speaking of Aly, I finally got the slide show she made for Sydney Grace's wake on youtube. They are also on the sidebar under "Videos." Remember to turn off the music on my playlist at the bottom of the blog before you watch the videos on the side bar.

Here are the links to the slide show. They are in two parts.

Tribute to Sydney Grace part 1 of 2

Tribute to Sydney Grace part 2 of 2

Monday, March 1, 2010

First Day Back

I went to work today for the first time in 10 weeks. I cried all the way to work today. Not because I was not wanting to work, but because the last time I worked Sydney Grace was still with me. I also think by going to work today I was starting a new phase of my life without Sydney. For the past few weeks I have been at home consumed with things to do with Sydney Grace. I have been working on the blog, writing thank you notes, sending out announcements, organizing her clothes and gifts, and starting her scrapbook. It has all been about Sydney Grace. It made me sad today because it occurred to me that Sydney Grace was not going to be my daily focus anymore. It was like I was losing her all over again.

When I got to school, I was welcomed so warmly. The teachers had a welcome back breakfast in my honor. It was so nice to feel so loved and supported by so many people. I think most of my students were really excited to see me (that makes me feel so good.) I had students give me cards and presents. Two student went together and gave me another Willow Tree statue called "Surrounded by Love." Once again, Willow Tree has a statue to fit every situation. I was surrounded by love today and I really felt it.

I decided to show my students a slide show of Sydney Grace. I wanted to share this with them so they could see what a miracle she was. I never talked about my pregnancy while I was teaching, because I did not want to upset the students and I did not want to get upset myself. I told the students today I never shared with them because I never knew when Sydney would pass away. It was too painful to talk about it with them. I showed them the slide show because I really wanted them to share in my love for Sydney Grace. I wanted them to see who they all had been praying for during those 20 days. I told them I did not want them to be sad but, happy. Happy because we did get a miracle. Something we never thought we would have.

It is good to be back at work. I can't wait for tomorrow!