When Sydney Grace first passed away, and Rafe would get sad, I would tell him she was still with us. If he wanted to see her, he could dream about her. Many times when it was time for him to fall asleep we would pray for Sydney Grace and he would pray to dream about her. I asked him the other day if he has ever dreamed about her. His reply, “No.”
Every night, when I go to bed I pray to dream about Sydney Grace. I want to hold her, I want to see her little face and hear her in my dreams. I want to feel her close to me again. My reply to if I have dreamed about her, “No.” Why? Why can’t I have this one thing?
The other day, my mom said that she had dreamed about Sydney. She was a little girl, not a baby, with long blond hair. She could not remember her face, but knew that it was her. She said in the dream Sydney Grace went everywhere with us. Just as normal as if Rafe was with us. It meant to her that Sydney Grace is with us. She will always be with us.
So why can’t I have a beautiful dream about my baby. I did dream about Sydney Grace about one week after she passed. In the dream, I was running down my parent’s path with Sydney in my arms. She was turning blue and dying. I knew that she was not going to make it, so I needed to get her in the house. This has been my one and only dream. Reliving the worse thing I have ever experienced, Sydney’s apnea episodes. During these episodes Sydney would turn so blue and stop breathing. When the episodes first started, we thought Sydney was dying. I am so happy this is not how she actually passed.
I heard the song “To where you are,” by Josh Grobin the other day. It was speaking to me. Every night this is my hope, to have Sydney come back to me, if only for awhile. Maybe one night I will have this dream. I bet it will be the best dream I have ever had. I hope…..
To Where You Are
Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You’re still an inspiration
Can it be (? )
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you’re there
A breath away is not far
To where you are
Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn’t faith believing
All power can’t be seen
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
‘cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you’re there
A breath away is not far
To where you are
I know you’re there
A breath away is not far
To where you are
6 years ago
As a mother who lost her baby boy 5 weeks after he was born, I know all too well where you are coming from. THis song was one we played at Greysons funeral. It too speaks volumes to me. I too have longed to dream about Greyson, to feel him against me, our hearts beating as one-- Monday April 12th it will be 8 years since he has passed. Time has helped ease my sorrow, but not a day goes by that I don't wish for just one more day with him. Stay strong- don't let the sadness consume you, find a place for it and visit it- always- alana
ReplyDeleteI lost my baby Heidi at 5 days old and have not had a dream specifically about her. My 14 yr old step daughter was killed and I had a very vivid dream about walking with her down the beach and she said many things to me to tell her dad. My best friend of 17 years was killed 5 months after my Heidi died. I had many dreams about my friend Misty but the last one was my walking down a beautiful street with beautiful white townhouses lining the road. My husband and my favorite
ReplyDelete# is 1437 which means I love you forever. During my dream, I saw that # on one of the homes so I went to the door. As I opened the door the song Free Bird was playing inside and I saw a huge staircase. I looked to the top of it and their stood my step daughter, my best friend Misty and she was holding a baby, My baby Heidi in a beautiful white blanket. They all looked very happy and looked at me as though everything was perfect, they were waiting for the rest of us but in the meantime, they were together in a beautiful home. I was relieved to know that Misty was taking care of my Heidi and also to know that she now has the daughter that she was never able to have. I felt such peace after seeing that dream. Later my friends mother told me that she saw the same beautiful house on the same beautiful street, but she never saw Misty. She described the place exactly the way I saw it in the dream. It was crazy! I don't know that we would be able to handle seeing the faces of our own children that have passed. Just like I never saw anything but the blanket. Misty's mother never saw anything but the beautiful townhouse. My husband has never seen Samantha(my stepdaughter) in his dreams but she spoke to me to tell him that she was okay and that she loved him. Keep looking and you will find a way to know that she is in heaven and with God and other loved one's. Keep praying and God may let you have that blessed dream of Sydney Grace. But then again He may know that it will hurt you all over again to dream that she is here. Trust me, she is very near, she knows that you and Rafe miss her terribly and she will show you that she misses you too! Its been five years since I lost my baby and my best friend and they still send me signs every so often (not face to face though) That last dream of Misty holding my baby was the last I could actually see her. But being my best friend, I dreamed of her about 10 times right at first.
Big Hugs to You- Ms Sidney is with you everyday, not to worry- I hope you get your dream soon~Only God knows when you are really ready for it- Lots of Love and Prayers from me-
ReplyDeleteKim
Linsday, it pains me to admit that this is the first time I've physically left a response to your updates on facebook, and here on the blog. While I've composed a collection of mere words in my head, that would hopefully come as comfort to you, I've never felt so inclined to share it, for some unknown reason. The truth is, I've been more than a little O.C.D. about staying aware of any and all updates, continually hoping and praying that you will communicate with us good news - At first, for news of miracles and Sydney's healing, and now for news of a different kind of healing.
ReplyDeleteI want you to know that I feel certain that Sydney IS smiling now, only a breath away...just like in the song. I hope and pray that in due time, you will be able to find peace. Until then, may our God carry you in the palms of his hands ~ for surely, you are HIS, just the same as Sydney is yours ~ Forever.
I've never dreamed about Johanna. And I hadn't thought of that until this post. Some days it's hard to remember about all the things that you'll miss out on with your daughter. Praying daily for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI have written and deleted over and over again. It's just so difficult to express the heartache that I feel when I read your blogs. It's also equally difficult to express the admiration that I feel when I read these same blogs. You have shown so much courage and strength during this very trying time. I can not imagine the pain you have had to endure, and yet you continue to rise above it all by drawing on your faith and your never ending love for this precious little angel. I do not know you, but I can assure you that through your blogs, you have touched my heart in such a way that it has never been touched before. I pray that you will continue to draw strength in the fact that your little Sidney Grace is in God's loving arms and He is the greatest caregiver in the world. May He bestow on you "the peace that passeth all understanding".
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