I am on Easter break this week. Rafe and I are actually leaving tomorrow to go to Myrtle Beach for a few days. Rafe is really looking forward to it. I hope to go to the outlets to get Rafe some new summer clothes.
I have spent the last couple of days cleaning. We finally got everything cleaned up from Rafe's birthday party. It was a really good party. I think everything went really well.
Yesterday, Paige and I painted Rafe's and Sydney Grace's rooms. When we found out about Sydney Grace having trisomy 18, we did not get her room ready for her. We did not decorate or have any furniture. For a long time we did not know what we would do with this extra room. We finally decided right before Sydney was born that it would be a den. But once we were able to bring her home it became Sydney's room again. We did get her a few basics like a bassinet to go in it.
Now that Sydney Grace is gone, it is still "her room." It will always be her room. Even if we have another child it will always be Sydney's room first. This is the room that Sydney Grace took her baths. It is were her diapers were changed and she was dressed. It is were I would rock her and a few times hold her all night. It is were Sydney Grace took her last breath in my arms.
I chose to paint her room a rose color, or as Joel would say "pink". Here is a picture of some of Sydney Grace's things with the new wall color.
With all the events of the past few days (Rafe's birthday, Easter, painting), you would think I would be so busy that I would not feel so down. I have had a pretty hard day. Not crying so much, but really feeling down. I had that sick stomach feeling all day. I have not had this feeling for a long time.
On Sunday, I got really upset. I was in church listening to a song the pastor was playing during his sermon, when I just started crying really hard. Joel looked at me and wanted to know what was wrong. What was wrong was that I was not holding Sydney Grace on that beautiful Easter Sunday! I was looking around at all the little kids. Looking at the pretty dresses, looking at the little babies. The whole time I was thinking Sydney should be in my arms with her Easter dress like all the other babies were in their mother's arms. Instead I had to leave church and go visit my baby at her grave. I was really angry. It felt really unfair. I know that my baby is definitely in a better place. She is not suffering, but I am suffering. I miss all the things that I will never get to do with her. Things that mothers and daughters do together. When will this anger and feeling sorry for myself end?
just wanted to post that I love you!
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie, this post hits home in so many ways to me. I, like you, have a baby in heaven. My son, Jaxon, went to heaven September 5th,2008. Unlike you, I didn't get any time with Jaxon. He was stillborn in my 41st week of pregnancy. I know your pain to an extent. I can't know it fully because I didn't get the time with Jaxon that you did with Sydney and I know that time would have made it so much harder on me. It will be 2 years for me in September. Some days, that is so hard to believe. Some days it doesn't feel like it has been that long. Other days, it feels like the longest 2 years ever. Still, all that time later, every holiday still breaks my heart into a million pieces. My brother's wedding broke my heart. Seeing kids on the playground breaks my heart still. Some days, just waking up breaks my heart for him. The past 19 months have been the hardest of my entire life. I know they will be for you as well. But I promise you, the pain does get easier to bare. Know that there is nothing un-normal about the way you are feeling. Know that you are not alone ever. I have been following your blog since day one. I will continue following it from here on out. You have been in my prayers continually and will remain there. I sent a special prayer up to my son when Sydney Grace passed. I asked him to take care of her for you until you could see her again...
ReplyDeleteI had the exact same reaction on Easter. I felt like I "should" have been holding Johanna while she wore a green and blue dress that matched what Clayton was wearing. I "should" have been making 2 Easter baskets. I know the girls aren't suffering and are doing the very things they were created for but there are days that the pain of missing still hurts. Praying for you Mommy. Much love.
ReplyDeleteLindsey --
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about you so much when Pastor Brad was playing that song on Sunday, too. I looked over and saw you crying broke my heart. Have a good time in Myrtle Beach and enjoy the time with the family. You deserve it! Love you!
Hi Lindsey ~ Holidays bring everything to the surface. You continue the good work of healing and moving forward, step by step. I'd like to pass along an idea to you today, one given to me by a very wise counselor once, who was teaching me how not to feel angry & sorry for myself: "For the next 6 months, banish the word "should" from your vocabulary - including what you say aloud to others as well as what you say to yourself in your private thoughts. It will do you a world of good!" ...he was right! Try it when you're ready & you'll see, too. I think of you often. I'm moving to VA later this week - I'll keep up with you on the blog. All the best to you & yours ~ Laura
ReplyDeleteHey my name is Chelsea. My 6 week old son Dillon passed away March 10, 2010. I can home from work and found him not breathing. It was the hardest thing ever. But, I must keep strong for my 4 and 2 yr old.I cry everyday thinking about him. My 2yr old son ask me about him all the time but , My 4 yr old says mommy it is ok Dillon is in heaven with jesus. Easter was really hard for me too. Because I had to visit my son's grave on his first easter.I bought a new van before he died , but his car seat still remain in the same place . It will probably stay there forever. A friend told me about your blog and told me that I needed to read it and start my own blog it help me heal.I work 2 jobs but, I think I will probably start one.
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