What have I learned in the past six months?
1. Obviously, this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Yes, to most people, I am doing just fine. One of my favorite lines from "I Will Carry You" is "People say that I am brave but I’m not, Truth is I’m barely hanging on." I think I am doing a pretty good job with everyday life. I can function. I am able to carry on with normal things: work, cleaning, cooking, taking care of Rafe. Most days are pretty good. But the truth is there are lots of time that I am barely hanging on. I often wondered before Sydney Grace was born how I would deal with her death. There is a constant under current of sadness. Sometimes it overwhelms me.
This brings me to my second point:
2. It is ok to grieve. I few weeks ago I heard a sermon that was perfect for me. It was titled "Eternity and Grief: Side by Side." I KNOW Sydney Grace is in a better place. I know she will never feel pain, yet I still grieve. Lots of people would say if you are a good Christian, then you should not grieve. It is almost selfish. We are feeling sorry for ourselves. Guess what: it is ok. It does not take away the fact that Sydney Grace is in a perfect place. I still grieve for what might have been. Today Sydney Grace would have been six months old. She would be sitting up, probably eating baby food. I never got to see her laugh or crawl. These are things that upset me the most. I so wanted a baby girl. I got her and I am so thankful that I had her for those 20 wonderful days, but I still grieve for the times I will never share with her.
Now for some wonderful news. Because of all the generous people who donated money to the CGH nursery fund, over $12,000 was raised. I have talked with the hospital and they are looking to use this money as a fund to do three things. Because there is no pediatric hospice in Carteret County they plan on sending some current hospice workers to training for pediatrics. Also they plan on bringing in counselors for those families. They even may be able to have funds for families that can not afford funeral expenses. Obviously, $12,000 could not cover all of this for an extended period of time, but it is a start. The plan is to continue to raise money for this fund. Who knew Sydney Grace would continue to touch the lives of so many people? I have said it before, but I will say it again, I am so proud to be her mother. She was only here on this earth for 20 days, but she has blessed so many!
7 months ago