Sunday, April 18, 2010

Great Weekend

I had such a busy and wonderful weekend. I really feel like I got lots done. There are some weekends when I ask myself, where did the time go? This was not one of those weekends.

Friday night, I graded my students geometry projects. Let me say, it is taking me forever to grade all these projects. I am almost done... I hope to have them completed by the end of the week. I am sure my students are wondering when they will get them back.

On Saturday,I was able to get groceries, clean, take a nap, play with Rafe, take Rafe to the shore, and even have a girls night out. Me, my sisters, and friends went to see "Date Night." I cannot remember the last time I laughed so hard. I highly recommend this movie.

Today, I visited Sydney Grace's grave. It is so nice just to go and sit by her grave on such a nice day. Rafe walked around and picked little wildflowers for me and Sydney Grace, while I "visited" with Sydney.

The weekend ended with both mine and Joel's family having a clam bake at our house. It was so good. I had never done a clam bake before, so my mom helped me. It is actually pretty easy. The best part was having the whole family at our house. During the month of January, we spent so much time together. While Sydney Grace was with us, there was not a day that went by that we did not eat together. The last time we all ate together was when Mr. Fodrie passed away. It was really nice to have everyone together for no particular reason. Rafe absolutely loves having everyone at our house. If it was up to him, we would eat together every night. He loves all his family so much.

It was really nice to have such a nice weekend.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I'm ok

First off, this is my second time typing this entry. Somehow what I typed earlier, which was finished, got erased. I somehow think this new entry will be shorter the second time around.

I want to thank everyone for all your concerns since my last post. I want everyone to know that I am really ok. Of course, I have my moments that I am down. It has not even been three months since Sydney Grace passed. For the most part, I think I am doing better than I ever thought I would. It does seem that when I am feeling down, it is the time that I have something that I want to blog about. This blog has really been a blessing. I have lots of family and friends that I talk to, but writing about it really does help.

For those parents that are facing the same decisions that Joel and I had to make, please know that although some of my entries seem to be really depressing, it was all worth it. The past eight months have been really hard, but I would not change my decision for anything. Our decision to keep Sydney Grace, even though we had no idea how long we would have her, before birth or after, was the best decision we ever made. She brought so much joy to not only our family, but to thousands of people who never got to meet her. Joel once asked me, before Sydney Grace was born, if I could go back and never be pregnant, would I choose to do so? My reply was that I would not change it. Although I knew Sydney Grace would not be with us long, I knew she was a gift from God. We were very fortunate to have her for twenty days, way more than we ever thought. She truly was a blessing.

I made a background link about Sydney Grace on the sidebar. For those who have not read Sydney's story before birth and after, you can read it on this link.
Sydney Grace's Story

I have a few ribbon magnets left for $10. Money will be donated to the hospital nursery in Sydney Grace's name. Thanks to all that have purchased one.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


When Sydney Grace first passed away, and Rafe would get sad, I would tell him she was still with us. If he wanted to see her, he could dream about her. Many times when it was time for him to fall asleep we would pray for Sydney Grace and he would pray to dream about her. I asked him the other day if he has ever dreamed about her. His reply, “No.”

Every night, when I go to bed I pray to dream about Sydney Grace. I want to hold her, I want to see her little face and hear her in my dreams. I want to feel her close to me again. My reply to if I have dreamed about her, “No.” Why? Why can’t I have this one thing?

The other day, my mom said that she had dreamed about Sydney. She was a little girl, not a baby, with long blond hair. She could not remember her face, but knew that it was her. She said in the dream Sydney Grace went everywhere with us. Just as normal as if Rafe was with us. It meant to her that Sydney Grace is with us. She will always be with us.

So why can’t I have a beautiful dream about my baby. I did dream about Sydney Grace about one week after she passed. In the dream, I was running down my parent’s path with Sydney in my arms. She was turning blue and dying. I knew that she was not going to make it, so I needed to get her in the house. This has been my one and only dream. Reliving the worse thing I have ever experienced, Sydney’s apnea episodes. During these episodes Sydney would turn so blue and stop breathing. When the episodes first started, we thought Sydney was dying. I am so happy this is not how she actually passed.

I heard the song “To where you are,” by Josh Grobin the other day. It was speaking to me. Every night this is my hope, to have Sydney come back to me, if only for awhile. Maybe one night I will have this dream. I bet it will be the best dream I have ever had. I hope…..

To Where You Are

Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You’re still an inspiration
Can it be (? )
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you’re there
A breath away is not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream

And isn’t faith believing
All power can’t be seen
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
‘cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you’re there
A breath away is not far
To where you are

I know you’re there
A breath away is not far
To where you are

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Sydney's Room

Where to begin? I have a lot of things on my mind. Some will have to wait for later posts. I know I have not been writing regularly the past month. Mostly it is due to the fact that I am back at work and I just don't have to time to write like I did before. Also, for the most part, our lives are back to some sense of normalcy. I know our lives will never be the same as before Sydney Grace, but things are back into a routine.

I am on Easter break this week. Rafe and I are actually leaving tomorrow to go to Myrtle Beach for a few days. Rafe is really looking forward to it. I hope to go to the outlets to get Rafe some new summer clothes.

I have spent the last couple of days cleaning. We finally got everything cleaned up from Rafe's birthday party. It was a really good party. I think everything went really well.

Yesterday, Paige and I painted Rafe's and Sydney Grace's rooms. When we found out about Sydney Grace having trisomy 18, we did not get her room ready for her. We did not decorate or have any furniture. For a long time we did not know what we would do with this extra room. We finally decided right before Sydney was born that it would be a den. But once we were able to bring her home it became Sydney's room again. We did get her a few basics like a bassinet to go in it.

Now that Sydney Grace is gone, it is still "her room." It will always be her room. Even if we have another child it will always be Sydney's room first. This is the room that Sydney Grace took her baths. It is were her diapers were changed and she was dressed. It is were I would rock her and a few times hold her all night. It is were Sydney Grace took her last breath in my arms.

I chose to paint her room a rose color, or as Joel would say "pink". Here is a picture of some of Sydney Grace's things with the new wall color.

With all the events of the past few days (Rafe's birthday, Easter, painting), you would think I would be so busy that I would not feel so down. I have had a pretty hard day. Not crying so much, but really feeling down. I had that sick stomach feeling all day. I have not had this feeling for a long time.

On Sunday, I got really upset. I was in church listening to a song the pastor was playing during his sermon, when I just started crying really hard. Joel looked at me and wanted to know what was wrong. What was wrong was that I was not holding Sydney Grace on that beautiful Easter Sunday! I was looking around at all the little kids. Looking at the pretty dresses, looking at the little babies. The whole time I was thinking Sydney should be in my arms with her Easter dress like all the other babies were in their mother's arms. Instead I had to leave church and go visit my baby at her grave. I was really angry. It felt really unfair. I know that my baby is definitely in a better place. She is not suffering, but I am suffering. I miss all the things that I will never get to do with her. Things that mothers and daughters do together. When will this anger and feeling sorry for myself end?

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Raffle Winner

Thank you everyone for buying raffle tickets. We raised over $10,000!!!! Watch the video to see Rafe draw the winner.

Mr. Brulet is being very generous. He is donating the computer to the CGH Foundation in Sydney Grace's name.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Happy Birthday, Rafe!

Rafe's birthday is tomorrow. He will turn four years old. Today we had a wonderful birthday party for him. He was able to invite all his friends. We had a bouncy house, cotton candy machine, icee machine, easter egg hunt and more. It was a beautiful day. The weather was spectacular.

Joel and I have been blessed to have two wonderful children. As I tell Rafe, we have two angels. One in heaven and one on earth. Rafe has been such a blessing to our family. He, like the rest of our family, has had a pretty rough 8 months. We wanted to give Rafe a party that he would remember forever. I know he had a great day. He was so tired that he fell asleep by 8 tonight. Here is a picture of him sleeping after a long day.

I decided to make a video in honor of Rafe's first four years. It is set to the song "My Wish." I pray that Rafe will have a wonderful life. He has already experienced such heart ache at a very early age. I will never forget the day that he told be that he felt bad. After questioning where he hurt, he replied, "my heart, because I miss Sydney Grace."

I hope you enjoy this slideshow as much as Rafe does. He loves watching himself as he gets older. I plan on adding photos and videos of Rafe's birthday soon. I just need the usb cable from Joel's work.