Where to begin? I have a lot of things on my mind. Some will have to wait for later posts. I know I have not been writing regularly the past month. Mostly it is due to the fact that I am back at work and I just don't have to time to write like I did before. Also, for the most part, our lives are back to some sense of normalcy. I know our lives will never be the same as before Sydney Grace, but things are back into a routine.
I am on Easter break this week. Rafe and I are actually leaving tomorrow to go to Myrtle Beach for a few days. Rafe is really looking forward to it. I hope to go to the outlets to get Rafe some new summer clothes.
I have spent the last couple of days cleaning. We finally got everything cleaned up from Rafe's birthday party. It was a really good party. I think everything went really well.
Yesterday, Paige and I painted Rafe's and Sydney Grace's rooms. When we found out about Sydney Grace having trisomy 18, we did not get her room ready for her. We did not decorate or have any furniture. For a long time we did not know what we would do with this extra room. We finally decided right before Sydney was born that it would be a den. But once we were able to bring her home it became Sydney's room again. We did get her a few basics like a bassinet to go in it.
Now that Sydney Grace is gone, it is still "her room." It will always be her room. Even if we have another child it will always be Sydney's room first. This is the room that Sydney Grace took her baths. It is were her diapers were changed and she was dressed. It is were I would rock her and a few times hold her all night. It is were Sydney Grace took her last breath in my arms.
I chose to paint her room a rose color, or as Joel would say "pink". Here is a picture of some of Sydney Grace's things with the new wall color.
With all the events of the past few days (Rafe's birthday, Easter, painting), you would think I would be so busy that I would not feel so down. I have had a pretty hard day. Not crying so much, but really feeling down. I had that sick stomach feeling all day. I have not had this feeling for a long time.
On Sunday, I got really upset. I was in church listening to a song the pastor was playing during his sermon, when I just started crying really hard. Joel looked at me and wanted to know what was wrong. What was wrong was that I was not holding Sydney Grace on that beautiful Easter Sunday! I was looking around at all the little kids. Looking at the pretty dresses, looking at the little babies. The whole time I was thinking Sydney should be in my arms with her Easter dress like all the other babies were in their mother's arms. Instead I had to leave church and go visit my baby at her grave. I was really angry. It felt really unfair. I know that my baby is definitely in a better place. She is not suffering, but I am suffering. I miss all the things that I will never get to do with her. Things that mothers and daughters do together. When will this anger and feeling sorry for myself end?
4 months ago