Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Sydney Grace's bath

At this very moment four months ago, Sydney Grace was taking her first and last bath in a tub. I keep thinking about that tonight. That was the night that she passed away. The whole week before, she was struggling. At first she had terrible diarrhea which caused her to be severely dehydrated. Then it turned into constipation. That was why she had the warm bath. Her tummy was so bloated and she was so uncomfortable. Just as soon as she was placed in the tub she just relaxed. We could tell she really like it, which was so unlike the first time Rafe took a bath in a tub. He screamed bloody murder.

I have never shared this photo before, but this is Sydney Grace taking her bath. She was so sick and it breaks my heart seeing her this way. For some reason I did not want people to see this photo. I guess because she looks so weak. At first I did not even think about taking a picture because we were all so concerned about her health that night, but then she did something that made me have to get my iphone. She was so relaxed that she crossed her little legs and propped them on the edge of the tub. She was in heaven. Of course, I did not get the photo fast enough with her feet on the edge, but I think you can see in the picture that she was really relaxed. This was the second to last photo ever taken of Sydney Grace. I have one more photo, her last, that I have never shared. It is of her wrapped in her towel crying after her bath. I am not ready to share that photo...not yet anyway.

I remember as everyone was leaving that night, my sister offered to stay with me. I told her no, that I was planning on sleeping with Sydney. She called me later on that night still concerned about Sydney Grace's constipation. I remember saying I had a bad feeling that this was a sign of the end. That her body was probably shutting down. I said the constipation was not worrying me so much, as her breathing was. She was struggling even with the oxygen tank. I did not know for sure if she would pass that night, but I had a feeling it was coming soon.

It's been four months now. It feels like such a long time ago, yet I can still feel her in my arms. I can still remember how I woke up that night and felt her limp body and her heavy breathing. How she just looked at me the whole time as she was taking her last breaths...


  1. This broke my heart all over again, once again you have shown how strong you are. I am happy that she is in peace now. I hope your thoughts are getting easier, I will still pray for you.

    Stephanie Nc

  2. Lindsey, thank you so much for sharing your special moments with us who read Sydneys blog. You really are a strong woman and a great mother. You make me tear up everytime I read your messages. I truely believe that Sydney is watching over you and her family and smiling down on each of you. She touched so many people and continues to do so everyday. Sydney is a perfect angel now as she was the day she was born. I pray that she touches you every day and gives you the strength you need. Stay strong and know that you have people all around you who care for you and are touched by your story.
    Desiree' Klott

  3. Thank you for sharing this picture. Thank you for sharing Sydney's life and death with your readers. Sydney looks so relaxed and calm in the tub.
    I know that it seems like forever since she has been gone, but remember that our forever is just a blink in God's eyes. You will be reunited soon.

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  5. I remember that evening and night so vividly. I worked that day and then had a doctors appointment that evening. I called when I got out of the doctor and you told me that Sydney needed her Aunt P. Of course, I headed home right then. I remember her little belly and how swollen it was. When we gave her a bath that evening, she was soooooo relaxed. She was so cute and prissy when she would cross her little legs and put them up on the edge of the tub.

    I wish I had stayed with you that night, but then again, I think it happened just as it should be. When I talked to you later that night on the phone, I was so close to coming over, but I didn't. It's amazing how our plans are so different from God's. It is still ironic to me that we had planned to be there for Sydney's delivery, but didn't make it in was just you and Joel....then the same with her passing. It happened just as it should.

    I do have one regret about that night. I don't think I have ever voiced this to anyone. When I left the house that night, I didn't give her one last kiss...yes, before that I had and I gave her plenty later that night after she passed, but i didn't give her one last kiss while she was alive from her Aunt P. I thought about it as I was walking out of the door that night, but didn't want to seem foolish...I knew I would see her the next day....but there wasn't a next day....

    I think about her everyday and what a miracle she was. She will never be forgotten by her Aunt P. She was an angel....she was perfect....

  6. Thank you for sharing this. It's nice to be reminded of sweet and simple moments.

  7. I have just read your blog for the first time and am amazed and uplifted by your strength through this trying time in your life. I know you don't know me and I don't you but I feel close to you just as a Mother myself and knowing the feelings that come along with Motherhood. I will keep you and your family in my Prayers continuously and am again so Thankful for You. Your Daughter Sydney has an amazing story to tell even though it was a short one and I am so grateful for all that you have shared!