Sydney Grace would have been four months old on Friday. It seems like an eternity ago. I went to visit her grave today (on Mother's Day.) I just sat there by myself and talked to her. I so wanted to hold her. For some reason, I love to listen to music while I am visiting her grave. I usually listen to two songs, "I will Carry you," and "Fly." I can not remember if I have shared this before, but as Sydney was taking her last breaths I played those two songs as I rocked her. I had not woken up Joel yet so it was just me and my baby. I will never forget how she just looked at me the whole time. It was so peaceful... That is a memory I will treasure for the rest of my life.
I have been reading the book "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. She is the woman that the song was written about. Her baby, Audrey Caroline, passed away after two hours. This book is really, really good. Angie tells the story of Audrey by bringing in the story of Jesus and Lazarus. I am only half way through the book but it amazes me that all our stories are so similar. We, mothers, all go through the same decisions, emotions, hurt when we are faced with having a child that will die. I am looking forward to finishing this wonderful book. I really recommend this to anyone that is going through something this terrible or to those of you that want to understand.
I had breakfast with Rafe at his school on Friday. The preschool gave a "Muffins for Mothers" breakfast in honor of Mother's Day. Rafe was so excited. For the past few weeks he has been telling me about all I was going to get. He was so funny. He would say, "I am going to sing you a song, but I can't tell you," or "I made you a picture frame, but I can't tell you." I will have to say Rafe's teachers really did do a lot of crafts with them. I got a shell picture frame, a poem, a paper rose, a bracelet, a plant and a song. Of course, I forgot my camera with the video recorder so I could not get Rafe singing his song. Here is a picture of Rafe and his future wife, Shelby. Rafe informed Shelby at the breakfast that her name was going to be Shelby Fodrie.
Please continue to pray for me. I am going through a difficult time right now with my health. My thyroid is completely out of control. If any of you know about hypothyroidism, you know that it affects a lot. The last month I have really felt the effects of this. Hopefully, my wonderful doctor will get it under control soon.
I would like to share an email I got today about mothers.
A Newborn ' s Conversation with God
A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"
God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."
The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have
to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."
God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you.
And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."
Again the small child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"
God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words
you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will
teach you how to speak."
"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"
God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach
you how to pray."
"Who will protect me?"
God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life."
"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."
God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach
you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you."
At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth
could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave
now, please tell me my angel's name."
God said, You will simply call her, "Mom."
Happy Mother's Day to all the Mothers of Angels in Heaven
Mother's Day was definitely interesting this year. I dreaded it and looked forward to it all at the same time. I'm glad it's over for this year. I'm definitely praying for you and your husband. This is something that changes who you are forever. Much love.
ReplyDeleteI can't even begin to tell you how much your post have been inspirations to me. I've only lost babies before I was every able to know them, or even hear their precious hearts beat, but I still felt so thankful for every moment God allowed me to share with all three of them. Before I ever got pregnant, something drew me to reading Angie's blog. I didn't understand at the time why, but I knew that God was telling me to do it. I read her blog faithfully, (and still do), and during my first loss, I totally connected all the dots. God wanted me to know His power and grace even through the worst possible of situations AND he knew I would need a song to get me through my time of sadness. That song was Audrey's song. I needed it, and I still do. Even though I am pregnant again, and everything seems to be "normal," I still need time to grieve my angles that I never met. I listen to Audrey's song so often, and recite the words when I get sad about loosing my babies.
ReplyDeleteAs much as Angie's blog was a help to me, You and your blog have meant so much more to me, mainly because I know you and Joel. I can't begin to explain to you how much your words have been exactly what I needed. I appreciate so much you putting your thoughts into words for me (and everyone else)!
Thank you Lindsey!
~Leigh Anna O'Keef Voigt