Wednesday, February 3, 2010

A Bad Day

It has been one week. One week since I held my baby. One week since I gave her kisses. One week since I had to hand her over to Joel to take to the funeral home. It is hard to believe it has been that long. My arms still ache to hold her.

It seems my days are getting harder instead of easier. When Sydney Grace first passed away, I had a mission. I had to make preparations for her wake and funeral. I did not have time to stop and think about anything else. Everyone said how strong I was during this time. I don't think they would say that about me now.

Today, my mom and I went to Sydney's grave to clean it up. We got all the dead flowers away and rearranged the remaining. The whole time I was thinking "I can't believe I am having to do this." I never imagined I would have to bury a child. It is the worst feeling ever. I have this constant sick stomach feeling. It has not gone away since Sydney left us. I never thought losing her would bring such physical pain.

After cleaning up the grave, mom treated me to a pedicure. During it a Josh Grobin song, "Where You Are" came on. I just sat there as the lady was painting my toes and cried. That is how my day has been. On the verge of tears. I am looking forward to better days, but I don't know when they will be.

I know I am feeling sorry for myself. I know my precious angel is in a better place. Sydney had to go through a lot in her twenty days here. More than most of you can ever imagine. Her apnea episodes were the worst thing most of my family have ever witnessed. I know she is not feeling anymore pain. She is not struggling to get a breath. This is what I have to keep reminding myself.

Thanks to all the wonderful people leaving me such amazing comments. They are a great help to me. I have never loved to write, but my sister suggested I write on the blog as a form of therapy. I believe she is right. It is a great outlet for me.

Thank you for your continued prayers. Tomorrow will hopefully be a brighter day.

Love to all,


  1. Bless you Lindsey. Keep writing. It will bring you strength.

  2. we all pray for you and cry for you every day! please know we are here for you!

  3. I've always thought that the days following a death were the easiest. Like you said, you have so much to do to get ready, people are coming and going, visiting, bringing food, etc. It's when you have to get back to everyday life that's the hardest. My prayers are with you in these days and will be for a long, long time. May you feel God's presence and His loving arms around you.

  4. We are still all here for you, you will have bad days, but i promise, better days will come. You are strong, I will keep praying for you, on my way home from work tonight I thought abut your family and asked for God to give you strength. I will keep praying.


  5. I think about you and your family daily. I will keep praying for you. I think it is ok to feel sorry for yourself. It is time for you to spend some time taking care of you and getting yourself better. You have been so selfless for so long it probably seems hard to do but do it. It takes time to heal. You are such an awsome mom and no matter what a hard time you are having now I still think you are one of the strongest people I have ever met (even though we have really never met). Saying a prayer for you right now I hope you can feel it. Take care and I hope you have a better day tomorrow, but if you don't thats ok too because you are still in the healing process.......

  6. We will all continue to pray for you! I can't imagine the pain that you are feeling! You have every right to be sad! Reading your blog entries are heartbreaking, yet humbling. It puts so many things in perspective for me! I pray God will continue to give you the strength to get through the coming minutes, days, weeks...A piece of your heart is gone, I know it must be breaking. God will bring you through this! God Bless you!!!

  7. I dont think you feel sorry for yourself I think you feel sad ....and even thought I do not know this pain as you I can feel it in your blog. I pray that God will soon bring you peace....Sometime its not how you get through the storm is how you dance in the rain ...I think you are doing day at a time

    Love always from Chesapeake,Va

  8. You will stay in my thoughts and prayers! I'm so glad I got to spend a little bit of time with you and your angel. Something just kept pulling me to you, and I knew I just had to visit as often as I could. I am so glad I got to hold her that last day and spend time with you, Jessica and Paige. All of you mean a lot to me and are included on the long list of students that I am proud to know. It takes time to heal, but you have a lot of people on your side, and now it is time to take care of yourself.

    Ms. Jackie

  9. Let the tears fall, let your feelings out, and know you have many people here for you. I know we can't do anything to ease your pain but no one minds listening. Like you said, she touched a lot of lives in her short time here and when I read your posts I cry with you. I can't imagine what your going through, but know you have friends all over the world thanks to sweet Sydney.

  10. Lindsey, We don't know each other...but I feel like we do. I know you through friends of mine. We sent you a "Praying for Sydney Grace" picture of us at an NC State game. Karen Amspacher laughed and told me you were Carolina fans! I just want to reach out to you and tell you that so many of us feel your pain. Not in the way you feel it of course, but in a way that breaks our hearts for you. Your daughter is special and will always be. Your pain is as real as if something was physically wrong with you. Like a physical pain, it will take a while to fade. But as it does, you'll still remember and celebrate Sydney Grace's life. It's obvious that you are strong. That doesn't mean you can't "feel sorry for yourself" and lean on others. You'll find your way. Keep writing. I'm praying for continued strength and peace for you.

    -Karin Patrick

  11. My prayers continue for you and your family! I'm sure this is the hardest thing God has ever sent your way, but remember this. God wouldn't have placed your special child with you for the short time if he knew you weren't strong enough to handle it. He did so because he KNOWS you are a strong woman and a wonderful mother. He knows you have wonderful family members to love and help you and for you to lean on. One day, you WILL hold Sydney Grace again and rejoice in heaven, and she will be a perfectly healthy little angel! God bless you and your family.

  12. My heart is with you. These days after losing your precious child are agonizing and disorienting... I cried too at your post about regrets...I have one as well that like you, I was sick to my stomach, when I thought about. You are right to know brighter days will come...but of course now you constantly miss having Sydney Grace with you. I know too our babies are in the most amazing place...I feel bad for us left behind, missing them. Even as I am grateful for the time we had. Sending prayers your way. If you need anything, please get in touch.
    Melissa Smurdon
    Noah's proud mommy

  13. I know how you are hurting, although I could never know your exact pain. My son passed away shortly after he was born and I see so many familiar thoughts and feelings in what you share with us. Aching arms, phantom kicks, cleaning at the cemetary, unfortunately those are too familiar. Unfortunately we are a part of a club that we would never choose to join willingly, bereaved parents. I once read words from a mother that said she just wanted to know there was someone else out there that that felt like she did, that just could see herself wanting to get her child back from the cemetary. It is normal for us to be, what I call, selfish and want the kids back. Just because our minds my think they are where they need to be, our hearts don't care about that. Your daughter served a purpose. So many people do not know about Trisomy 18, or didn't know. She has helped educated hundreds of people, and that is something that most of us as adults will never be able to do! Take care.

  14. Lindsey,
    We love you and are here to support you in any way we can.God bless you,Joel and Rafe!

  15. Lindsey, You are still so very strong. Just your willingness to pour out your heart and share your deep pain shows so much strength. I'm praying for you and your family. Our home is in heaven with Sydney Grace, I'm so sorry you are more "homesick" than ever before. I think of you and your family when I hear the song "Homesick" by Mercy Me.
    "The Lord will give you strength to make it through somehow."

  16. Lindsey,
    Your honest and open words are so precious. Thank you for your honesty. Our daughter, Marie, was born with T18 almost eight years ago. She lived for three hours. As I read your words, and hear how you are expressing your emotions, I can relate in such an intimate way. I, too, felt physical pain - in my chest and in my heart. And the sick feeling in my stomach too.

    Caring for all the floral arrangements was something I also remember vividly. Somehow I think it was my way of still caring for my daughter. I hung on to every memory possible, and also had some of those horrible "regret" feelings you wrote about the other day. Lindsey, you did the very best you could in an incredibly difficult time. Sydney was incredibly blessed by you and your wonderful friends and family.

    I think of you daily, many times a day - I have ever since I learned of Sydney. I wish so badly I lived closer (I'm in Michigan). Without a doubt, I would have attended at Sydney's funeral if I was closer.

    I will continue to keep you close to my heart and in my prayers. These are fragile days.

    Allison Zehnder

  17. Lindsey,
    Take it one moment and one second at a time! Feel your feelings; these next days are not easy ones but know that you are loved and many people are praying for you! The days after my daughter's death (she also passed away from complications from T18) like yours were filled with planning services and after that I felt a void and then the emotions hit me! I don't know if you gain peace from reading but I got a lot out of the book, Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. It helped me realize that the sometimes random feelings I had were normal and not really all that random. I didn't pick it up until about 10 weeks after Jordan passed away but am thankful that I did. Be gentle on yourself and allow yourself to be and do what you need! Take Care

  18. Lindsey, you are stronger than you feel like you are, although I know to some extent that it's not always easy to believe that God won't give us more than we can handle. It is true though and if your life has but one purpose, being Sydney's Mama is one to be proud of. I recommend a book- "A Bend In The Road" by David Jeremiah. It's about finding God when your world caves in. We all love you, even though we've never met.

  19. It's ok to be sad. It sucks, but it's ok.

    Keep on writing Lindsey...

  20. There is not one person who would consider what you are feeling to be feeling sorry for yourself. What you are feeling is the very real pain of losing your beautiful child. You are going through something most of us can not even fathom. If writing is cathartic for you then by all means continue to do so. If you need to cry, and vent, we are all here for you. We will cry with you. Every post, every picture of Sydney brought more tears. Tears of joy at the wonderful inspiration she was, and then tears of sadness at the loss of the precious miracle she was. We will all mourn with you, and be here for you as best we can, for as long as you need us.

  21. Lindsey, Joel & Rafe....
    Each of you are still in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that God gives each of you the strength and comfort that only He can give at such a painful and difficult time. Below are the lyrics to a song the Jason Crabb/Crabb Family sings. They sing it so beautifully. I'm sure you can find them on You-Tube. Every time I hear it I think of you.

    Verse I
    If life could only bring again, the days I took for granted when
    To hear your voice was just a call away
    Oh what I'd give for just some time, to say the things that slipped my mind
    There's so much now I'd really like to say
    But I can never go back when we did the things we did back then
    I'll store those precious memories in my mind
    I'll take what you've instilled in me; I'll try to be all I can be
    And walk the path that you have left behind

    I sure miss you; life will never be the same with you not here
    Each passing day has brought much pain
    But with God's grace my strength remains
    I sure miss you, but heaven's sweeter with you there

    Verse II
    The little things that seemed so small are now gold in a memory vault
    I cherish every one I have of you
    Now I can see and recognize the part you played to shape my life
    I often see you in the things I do
    In God's design and master plan He saw the hurting hearts of man
    As we would say goodbye to those so dear
    So with our family and friends we'll be together once again
    We'll view all heaven's splendor hand in hand

  22. Myself, my family and many of my co-workers have been praying for you and your family. I thought it may help at some point in the future to know how grateful we are that you have shared your family with us. I have four precious daughters and am pregnant with my first son. Daniel is due May 2 and has trisomy 18 with hypoplastic left heart syndrome.God has given me peace and you have given me hope. I can't begin to imagine your pain right now but I wanted to thank you for sharing Sdney Grace with us.God bless you and your family.
    With Love and Graditude

  23. You are allowed these feelings, because it is your time to grieve. A day will come that will hold a peace for you. Take the time you need, and remember you and your family are in all of thoughts and prayers.

  24. Lindsey, No one can expect you to not grieve your beautiful baby girl. So don't you fret. If you have a bad day, you just go right ahead. It is not feeling sorry for yourself, you are a grieving mother. You have permission to completely fall apart if you want or need to and maybe you should just go ahead and scream and stomp your feet and cry. You CAN be mad at the one(satan) who brought sin into the world and made disease and sickness enter the world...

    John 11:33- 35 says 33 When Jesus saw her weeping (Mary was grieving the loss of her brother Lazarus), and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. 34 And he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” 35 Jesus wept.

    Jesus weeps with you through this time. He understands what you are feeling and has compassion for you.

    You are allowed to grieve. You need to grieve. Don't stop yourself if you want to fall apart, 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 “But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

    You can believe that you are NOT expected to JUST be strong. I am happy that the blog serves as therapy. My cousin said the same when his 10 month old passed. You keep telling us how you feel and we will keep praying for you and offering encouragement. When you are unable to "be strong" remember that He is being strong for you.

    Lindsey, it is not hard to understand how so many people care about you You are transparent and transparency allows people to have compassion and love.

    You are loved,

  25. May God Bless you Lindsey. This blog will be of great therapy to you and remind you of how many people are thinking, loving and praying for you and your family.
    God Bless,
    Meghan Stephens

  26. Keep writing Lindsey. It will be great therapy. You are so much stronger than you realize. Sill praying for you. Love you and yours.


  27. Lindsey, my heart hurts for you, but I'm so grateful God gave you those precious days with your baby & that you have a loving husband, beautiful son & supportive family & friends. When we lost our grown son over 9 yrs. ago, people would say, "It gets better with time." As time went by, I kept asking,"How much time does it take?" I know there can be no more sorrow than losing your child. After many conversations with God, I finally realized(after more years than I care to admit) the knife in my heart had been removed, even though I know the wound will not heal until that glorious day when I meet my son in the presence of our Father. I still cry most every day for him; sometimes it just comes out of my sub- consciousnes & like you are, at this very new stage of grief, I still am often on the verge of tears, which is awkward when I'm around people, because I'm sure some think I should be over it by now. I guess what I'm trying to say is there is no magical number of months or years for when you'll feel better, but like you I have a very loving and supportive family who understands how much my son meant to me, so they don't judge me (as far as I know). I used to think I was a strong woman, taking care of everyone else, but since I lost a piece of my heart, I am changed forever. I say to God that now I know how hard it must have been for Him to send his Son to suffer & die, but I find comfort in the knowledge that Jesus said that just as He was resurrected He will return to resurrect us. What a comfort to know that all is perfect in Heaven. I continue to pray for you and your family & I know God will be your comfort.

  28. You are not feeling sorry for yourself. You are grieving and you need to do that. I'm praying that He gives you the strength, the comfort, and the continued peace that only He can give.


  29. May God continue to bless and heal you and your family always. I continue to pray for your family.

  30. Tomorrow might not be better but you will always have the support and prayers of thousands of us... you are not selfish or weak... it is a nightmare watching our babies go through the apnea and a blessing to know that God knows how to care for them better than the doctors do. These are the little thoughts you can cling to in these hard days. I promise you it will get easier, although your life will never be the same. There is a day coming when you will not cry, and you will be mad at yourself for not crying... but this too will pass and someday you will have more smiles than tears when you think of your beautiful Sydney Grace. Everytime I see your picture of her it makes me think my Violet now has a little twin sister in heaven (they are so alike! Did your daughter had the little squashed ears too? They are so cute). I hope that can bring you a little comfort too. I know I love to picture them playing together.

    It has only been four months since Violet left us at three days old, and I can tell you things feel a lot different now. Things will get better for you too. In the meantime be kind to yourself and let others be kind to you too. Hug your little boy a lot... that is the best medicine for sure.

  31. Lindsey, Just remember that you have the entire community praying for you and your family. Continue to write and express your feelings. I am amazed at your strength. Cherish the memories of your time together and know that everyone has you in their thoughts and prayers. Allison (Hardesty) Bernauer

  32. I am in tears thinking of what you & your family are going thru. I just can't imagine. The photos of your precious girl are stunning. I think she was give HOPE... to people, like me and so many others, who have lost it along the way. Please do continue blogging, your strength and Faith are just what people need. Your daughter was a beautiful, magnificant baby and she is Now with HIM. being cared for nonstop by Beautiful Angels.. she is free, and full of vibrancy... she is looking down on you and she's grateful. that you HAD her...

    Hoping that doesn't sound silly.

  33. Lindsey:
    I hope that one day you will see your strength through our eyes. Sydney Grace did teach our communities to care more about each other again. Through your thoughts, we remember Sydney and we are reminded to pray and to think about one another. YOU ARE AMAZING.

    Love you all,

  34. Lindsey, I continue to pray for God's comfort and strength for you and your family!
    Love, Cara