It has been one week. One week since I held my baby. One week since I gave her kisses. One week since I had to hand her over to Joel to take to the funeral home. It is hard to believe it has been that long. My arms still ache to hold her.
It seems my days are getting harder instead of easier. When Sydney Grace first passed away, I had a mission. I had to make preparations for her wake and funeral. I did not have time to stop and think about anything else. Everyone said how strong I was during this time. I don't think they would say that about me now.
Today, my mom and I went to Sydney's grave to clean it up. We got all the dead flowers away and rearranged the remaining. The whole time I was thinking "I can't believe I am having to do this." I never imagined I would have to bury a child. It is the worst feeling ever. I have this constant sick stomach feeling. It has not gone away since Sydney left us. I never thought losing her would bring such physical pain.
After cleaning up the grave, mom treated me to a pedicure. During it a Josh Grobin song, "Where You Are" came on. I just sat there as the lady was painting my toes and cried. That is how my day has been. On the verge of tears. I am looking forward to better days, but I don't know when they will be.
I know I am feeling sorry for myself. I know my precious angel is in a better place. Sydney had to go through a lot in her twenty days here. More than most of you can ever imagine. Her apnea episodes were the worst thing most of my family have ever witnessed. I know she is not feeling anymore pain. She is not struggling to get a breath. This is what I have to keep reminding myself.
Thanks to all the wonderful people leaving me such amazing comments. They are a great help to me. I have never loved to write, but my sister suggested I write on the blog as a form of therapy. I believe she is right. It is a great outlet for me.
Thank you for your continued prayers. Tomorrow will hopefully be a brighter day.
Love to all,
6 months ago