Saturday, February 6, 2010

Day full of emotions

I woke today feeling the lowest I have since Sydney passed. All I wanted to do was go back to sleep. I made myself get out of the bed to cook Joel his Saturday morning breakfast. I never cook breakfast except on the weekends. Saturdays we have either french toast or pancakes, and Sundays we have cheese biscuits. Joel had to go to work today. He is under a lot of work related stress right now. So I made myself get up to cook him, Rafe, and Tyler (nephew) their breakfast. I stood frying bacon and crying. I kept looking over to where Sydney's glider used to be. The last time I cooked them breakfast, Sydney was still alive sitting in her glider.

After Joel went to work, Rafe went to a friend's house and Tyler was playing the Wii. I had the living room to myself. I was so down, I could not make myself do anything. I just stayed on the couch all morning long. Paige came over to help get Sydney's room organized. I could not bring myself to even think about it. I was stuck in this feeling of not really wanting to do anything or go anywhere.

The Hancock sisters came up with the idea of all of us going to a movie tonight. It was their mission to get me out of the house and have some fun. To tell you truth, the way I felt today, I really did not look forward to going. But once again, I made myself get ready and go. It was the best possible thing I could do. There ended up being eight of us going to the movie and we had dinner with two more friends. We saw "When in Rome." It was so funny. We all laughed so hard. Laughter really can be good medicine. The night ended with more laughter as Paige and I watched Joel pull Aly's car out of mud.

It is so funny that a day can start off so different than how it ended. I started off feeling so low and missing Sydney so much. I woke up with my sick stomach feeling (like butterflies) again and aching to hold her. I am getting ready to go to bed feeling so much better. Thank you to Paige, Emily, Joella, Aly, Ellen, Carrie, Ashley, Shanna, and Meredith for giving me a wonderful night.


  1. Everyday will get a little easier, God will help you get thru all of the emotions. I will pray harder for you today. Never forget she is always watching over you and smiling!

    Stephanie Kolasa

  2. You are most welcome. It is such a blessing to have wonderful friends. I think that we should get together at least once a month, even if we just get together at each others house. I had the best time and look forward to many more with you all! Love you guys the best!

  3. I'm more than 3 months out from Johanna's passing(and I realize that isn't long) and there are days just like this one that doesn't make any sense. I call them the missing days where the Johanna part of my heart does nothing but hurt. And it's wonderful to have friends around that understand your needs on any given day. I'm praying for you guys. Much love.

  4. I'm glad your day turned out better than it started. All you can do right now is take it one step- one second- at a time. Praying for you as always. I love you!


  5. I'm so sorry you had a rough day, but I'm so glad you came along anyway. I agree with Ellen - we should definitely have more nights like that!

  6. Lindsey- I'm so glad you decided to go. I had the most fun. Little by little, you'll be able to laugh more and more. I have a really close friend in Utah who also lost a baby two weeks ago. She said that through all of the grief and pain, she had also found a new resolve to live a life worthy of her little angel.

    I'm so glad I have gotten closer to you and your family through all of this. I love you all and look forward to many more nights of laughter in the future!

  7. You are so lucky to have such wonderful friends!! Hang in there sweetie!!

  8. Lindsey - I'm glad to hear you went out with your friends, even though you didn't really feel like it!! Insightful friends know they will have to drag you into things sometimes and are very willing to accept the consequences. Thank God you have friends who recognize the benefits of kidnapping.
    Much love,