Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Broken Heart

Today, Rafe said one of the most heart breaking, yet special and touching things ever. I had to meet Joel at the funeral home to finish all the paper work from Sydney’s funeral. I had my mom pick up Rafe at preschool, so I could meet Joel. She got Rafe out of school, but I had to meet them to give my mom something. When I got there Rafe was hysterical. He was crying so hard for me. He usually loves being with my mom, but today he wanted me really bad. I got him in my car, and my mom followed me in hers. On the way to the funeral home, Rafe finally calmed down enough to talk to me. I asked him if he was feeling bad (he does have a cold.) He said yes. I was expecting him to say his throat hurts, his head hurts, or maybe even his tummy. What he said caught me off guard. He pointed to his chest and said his heart hurts. His heart? Why? Then he said the thing that broke my heart. He said his heart hurts because he wanted his baby, Sydney Grace. Then he started to cry again.

I know I have said this before, but Rafe LOVES his sister. He is such a wonderful big brother. He called Sydney Grace, his baby. He was constantly asking everyone, “Isn’t my baby pretty?” He loved to hold her and give her kisses.

Today I was having a pretty good day, even though I had to go to the funeral home. When Rafe said his heart hurts, it made me remember I was not the only one in pain. Of course, I realize I am not the only person that loves and misses Sydney, but sometimes I am consumed with my own grief that I don’t think about how others are dealing with the loss of Sydney Grace. Rafe is a normal three year old. Most of the time he is playing or watching his movies, but at any given moment he will stop and start talking about how much he wants his "Cindy" back.

We all are hurting. We all love Sydney and miss her. I know it has only been two weeks, but I am looking forward to the time when our grief is overtaken by all the wonderful memories we have of Sydney.

Last week I shared a poem that one of my students wrote. Another student sent me a poem yesterday. I want to share her poem so everyone can see what wonderful students I have.

Little Angel
Little angel sent from above,
Sydney Grace is so loved.
Tears have been shed,
but eyes have been opened
to see the beauty that God brings.
This little Miracle baby that you got to hold,
but God had to let her come back.
He couldn’t let you have her forever,
because heaven just wasn’t right without her.
Sydney Grace Fodrie will stay with us forever,
and I know she is looking down on you, smiling
and being proud she gets to call you her Mother.


  1. What a beautiful brother Sydney Grace has!!

  2. I said yesterday, Rafe is wise beyond his years. Thoughts and prayers are with you all!

  3. Lindsey,
    I’ve been following your blog and the Facebook page and have wanted to post a message for a while, but could not find the words to do so. When I first heard of Sydney Grace’s diagnosis, I prayed that the doctors were wrong. After she was born, I prayed that she would continue to defy the odds. Now, I pray for strength for you and your family and that you all might find peace. Although Sydney Grace’s time here was too short, I am so very happy that she was able to experience love and the comfort of her mother’s arms. You, Joel, and Rafe will continue to be in our prayers.

    -Lesley Baggett

  4. Rafe has an extraordinary sensitivity for love- really. It's very easy to see after being around him for a short time... he is a most loving child. He's been able to articulate a true piece of what makes us "children of God." We feel with our heart- our chest actually hurts when we are grieving for someone we love. This is a blessing- although when we hurt it doesn't feel so much like a blessing.

    This is a very different scenerio, but I remember like it was yesterday when Emily left for college. Now- she was only going to Greenville... and I could get to her when I needed to. Yet- for weeks I walked around with the feeling that someone had shot me in the chest with a rifle- not a bb gun, a double-barrelled shotgun. When I went to the store and someone said, "How are you?", I wanted to say... "Are you serious? Don't you see this hole in my chest???" The feeling was real, and my life seemed unlike anything I knew how to fix.

    Your grief is much deeper, more profound- so I can only imagine how big your hole is. Rafe is such a little guy- the hole in his chest must feel like he's missing a good part of his little body. I am so thankful that you are recording these events because some day when he's older, it will mean so much to him to realize that his love for Sydney Grace was and is so deep.

    To Amazing Sydney Grace's amazing family- God bless each one of you, and help your heart to heal. We love you so much.

  5. Wow, that's amazing. Clayton is too young still to comprehend anything about Johanna. I'm not sure if it's good thing or a bad thing. It would have been nice if he had known her.

    Much love..........

  6. Rafe is such a loving big brother. I know he will carry her all of his days too.

    Love you and praying for you as always,

  7. I continue to pray for you all daily. It broke my heart to know how much Rafe is missing his little Sydney Grace. What a special little boy. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us. May God Bless you..... Love from Candler, NC.