Saturday, February 27, 2010

The Choice I never thought I would have to consider…

Today it has been one month since Sydney Grace became an angel. It seems like it was just yesterday I was holding her in my arms. Days are getting easier. I plan on starting back to work on Monday. I really have missed my friends and students.

As promised here is the next part of Sydney Grace's story before she was born. I hope to finish her story in a few days.....

We went to a specialist in Jacksonville on August 20, 2009. While we were waiting to see the doctor, I noticed a sign they had posted in the waiting room. It asked for patience while waiting reminding us that some women may be getting bad news even the death of their child. For some reason it did not occur to me that the sign was talking about us.

When we were finally called back, we saw a technician that took measurements and told us we were having a girl. When she left, a genetic counselor came in. She was extremely nice and caring, but she started talking about Trisomy 18. I had absolutely no clue what she was talking about. I had never heard of it before. I did know that trisomy 21 was Down syndrome, so I thought it might be something very similar. Then she said the words that I was not prepared for, “Trisomy 18 is Fatal in the majority of cases.” I was completely shocked. I did not even cry. It was like she was talking about someone else. Not me and my baby. Then the doctor came in. He did another ultrasound and starting pointing out why he thought Sydney Grace had T18. He talked about the cysts on her brain and how her brain was not formed right in the front. He talked about her heart and how the only thing that would fix it was a transplant. He talked about her fingers and how her pinky and index fingers overlap the others. He talked about my placenta and how it was shaped different. He said normal placentas were shaped kind of like a sheet cake and my placenta was like a cupcake shape. Still this whole time I did not cry.

Next the doctor told me my choices. The reason I got to see the doctor so fast was because he wanted me to have the choice to terminate if I wanted to. In North Carolina, I believe he said I had until 20 weeks and 6 days to have a late term abortion. I was 19 weeks and 1 day. Of course he did not try to persuade me, he was very caring. He just wanted me to have the option if that was what we decided. He recommended an amino to be sure. We decided to have the amino. Let me say it HURT. They told me it would feel like cramps. I was thinking menstrual cramps. I thought no big deal. Not so. After it was over, I told them it felt like someone was tying my intestines in knots. Of course I could not move and all I wanted to do was to jump off the table. This is when I started crying. Crying from physical pain and crying that I was going through this. I was looking at the ceiling during the amnio thinking, I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe it was happening to me. I hear about other women with difficult pregnancies or miscarriages, but I never thought I would be one of them. We found out a week later that Sydney Grace had full Trisomy 18, meaning she had it in every cell of her body. It is possible to have mosaic trisomy 18 were it is not present in every cell.

I could not believe having an abortion was even an option for me. That was something I definitely never thought I would ever have to think about. Of course, it was not something I thought about long. How could I ever decide to kill my child? It was not my decision when Sydney Grace would die. It was God’s only.

Now I am going to share something that I am ashamed to say. When we did the amnio the doctor told me that they bring a small risk of a miscarriage. I could not make the decision to abort my child but I was hoping I would have a miscarriage. That first day, I could not imagine how I was going to get through this pregnancy. I just wanted it to be over. The doctor went through what could happen through the rest of my pregnancy. There was a good chance I could still miscarry. If I did not miscarry, I had a good chance of going into preterm labor, probably between 28-32 weeks. If Sydney was still alive during labor she would probably die during childbirth. And if she actually made it through the delivery she would only live for minutes, not even hours.

Knowing all this, probably for the first week I wanted to miscarry. I was really feeling sorry for myself. I was the one that had to carry this baby that was not going to survive. I had to feel her move inside me. I had to be the one that would be approached by strangers and answer questions about the sex of the baby or when I was due. I was the one that had to live with this 24/7, without a break. All I had to do was look down at my growing belly to be reminded. I never could escape from the pain of it all. I wanted it over.

Probably about a week later it occurred to me. I was the lucky one. I was lucky because I was the one that got to feel her move inside me. I was the one that got to feel her grow inside me. I was the one that got to be with her 24/7. I was definitely the lucky one. Others in my family would only be able to experience Sydney Grace for minutes (so we thought) but I would be able to experience her for months. What a blessing!

Throughout the rest of my pregnancy, I had my ups and downs. It was still very hard. One thing that really helped me get through it was my work. When I first found out about Sydney having T18, I was really close to calling my principal and saying I was sorry but I would not be able to work this year. I just did not see how I would do it. I was so afraid I would have a breakdown in front of my students. When the first day of school came, I made myself get up and go. I cried all the way to school, but when I got there and met my students, I knew I had made the right choice. Being at school was an escape from my pain. For those 8 hours a day I was able to focus on my kids and math.

The last 10 weeks of my pregnancy were the hardest….

9 comments:

  1. Oooh goodness I can all to well relate to wanting the amnio to end up bad. I didn't want to be the one that made the decision. I hated that decision and I understand what you mean about feeling like they were talking about someone else. Not me and my baby. *hugs*

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  2. Thank you! Sharing your journey is such a blessing. Praying for you all!

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  3. I know what you mean by, Not my baby! Someone elses, but not mine!" My son died on a Saturday April 26, 1975 in my belly. He was due May 1st. He woke me up moving so violently. When I got up out of bed the first thing I noticed was that he had dropped since I carried him very high. I thought he had moved into the birth canal and I was going into labor. I was actually happy. That Monday, when I went to see my doctor he was very quiet. Sent me to the hospital. The nurses were very quiet. I didn't know what he was looking for except maybe twins. I was admitted the next morning and was told my son had died inside of me. Dear God above, only He got me through the following days. I didn't deliver until Friday May 2, 1975. The cord had tightened into a knot when he dropped. I actually felt my own baby die! He was so beautiful, all 7lbs and 14 oz. He looked perfect, because he was. It was the cord. Since he had been dead a week I couldn't hold him, because it would tear his delicate skin. I did pick him up from his little white coffin, but he was so cold. I've been following your blog for awhile and I have prayed for you and Sydnee Grace. Teaching got me through until I had my next son in 1977. I taught at Morehead Middle, retiring 2 years ago. I was 24 when my son died. After having 2 healthy sons, my daughter died via cord problems the exact same way May 31, 1980. I tried, but never had an more children. Now I am the Grammy of my granddaughter, Lawson, and my grandson, Wesley. They are the loves of my life. I'm so happy you have pictures. I only have funeral pictures. Today more is offered than in the 1970's. I am very active in the March of Dimes. That comforts me. Sometimes I still just drop and cry my eyes out for my son and daughter. But I know with all of my heart they are with their Heavenly Father. They are fine, I carry the grief. One day soon, I will see them again. Gale Gautier Fitts MHC

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  4. Lindsey...I have to tell you that you have touched my heart and I feel very blessed to have "run across" your blog. I am 22 weeks pregnant with my precious girl who has full T18. It has been a hard road and I know it will only get harder...this blog is beautiful and it stregthens me every time I visit. Thank you for sharing...Amy

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  5. Still praying. So glad you didn't even consider ending the pregnancy. You shouldn't feel ashamed about wanting to miscary I think that is a perfectly natural emotion. God sure knew what he was doing though didn't he. So many people were so blessed by Sydney Grace and her family! Including me!

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  6. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story! I will be thinking and praying for you as you go back to work! I know after Jordan's death (she also had T18 and she survived 3 days) I was numb for so long and everything seemed to take so much effort to get done. I was scared to death to return to work as I work with special needs children, but it was a God send! It took awhile to get back in the swing of things and not be exhausted at the end of the day but it helped and I feel like it was one more step in my healing process of my "new normal". Take care of yourself, be gentle and take things one step at a time. Continuing to send lots of hugs and prayers your way!
    Cindy

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  7. This is all so very familiar. It's so difficult to continue to live a "normal" life when you've just been thrown inside a twister. Much love and prayers.

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  8. I cannot say that I relate to what you went through, but I was certainly touched by your strength. When we read something like this, we may tell ourselves, "I could never do that!" The truth is, we never know what we can do until we go through it. God gives each of us immeasurable strength to climb whatever mountain is placed in our path, or He will level it for us making the path easier. Time heals all things, though her memory will always be with you. God's blessing to you were those few short days that you had with her after her birth...the memories will last a lifetime and your life has been better because she was in it. God bless you!

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  9. GOD BLESS!!
    i KNOW ALL TO WELL OF THiS DOCTOR IN JACKSONVILLE; DR. WRiGHT? HE iS A VERY CARiNG & CONCERNED DOCTOR TO EXPECTED MOTHERS. i WAS SENT TO HiS OFFiCE BOTH PREGNANCiES (& i REMEMBER READiNG THAT SAME SiGN & SEEiNG MOTHERS-2-BE COMiNG OUT FROM THE BACK WiPiNG THEiR EYES). MY FiRST PREGNANCY WAS JUST FOR SOMETHiNG SiMPLE (BALD SPOT in THE BACK OF MY HEAD) BUT MY DOCTOR BACK AT THE OB WANTED ME TO GO JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SiDE. THANK THE GOOD LORD iT WAS NOTHiNG. MY SECOND PREGNANCY WAS A LiTTLE MORE SERiOUS. iN MY ULTRASOUND THE DOCTOR AT THE OB HAD SEEN SOMETHiNG WRONG WiTH MY BABY'S HEART (iT'S A GiRL) SHE HAD A HOLE iN iT (i CRiED & WORRiED TiLL i SEEN THE HiGHT RiSK DOCTOR 3 DAYS LATER). THE DOCTOR SAiD iT CAN LEAD TO OTHER PROBLEMS SO HE SENT ME BACK TO DR. WRiGHT iN JACKSONViLLE. DR. WRiGHT SEEN THE SAME THiNG THE DOC AT THE OB DiD, HE LooKED AROUND & AROUND TO MAKE SURE THERE WAS NOTHiNG ELSE GOiNG WRONG WiTH THE BABY. HE DiDN'T SEE ANYTHiNG WRONG, BUT THE ONLY WAY TO FiND OUT FOR SURE iS TO WAiT FOR THE BABY TO BE BORN OR DO THE AMiNO. OF COURSE; i ASKED WHAT AMiNO WAS & HE SAiD EVERYTHiNG AS FAR AS HAViNG A MiSCARRiAGE, PRETERM LABOR & ETC. i THOUGHT ABOUT iT FOR A WHiLE...i COULDN'T BARE TO KNOW iF i DiD THAT, THAT SOMETHiNG FAR WORSE COULD HAPPEN TO MY BABY. SO i CHOSE NOT TO GO THROUGH THAT PROCEDURE (i FiGURED i WOULD LEAVE iT iN GOD'S HANDS). SO i HAD TO WAiT ABOUT 5 MONTHS, WHEN THE BABY WAS TO BE BORN BEFORE i KNEW FOR SURE MY BABY GiRL WAS OK. i WORRiED EVERYDAY FOR MONTHS & PRAYED & PRAYED. PRAYERS WERE ANSWERED!! SHE WAS BORN @ 6lbs. 11oz. AND iN GOOD SHAPE, SHE iS NOW 5 MONTHS OLD & i THANK THE LORD EVERYDAY FOR BOTH MY GiRLS. THEY (CHiLDREN) ARE TRULY A BLESSiNG TO THE WORLD! SO TO KNOW WHAT ALL YOU HAVE & HAD TO GO THROUGH REALLY MAKES YOU A HERO...=D..(MY OPONiON) TO OTHER WOMEN OUT iN THE WORLD WHO HAVE OR HAD TO GO THROUGH THE SAME THiNG!! GOD BLESS YOU & YOUR FAMiLY!!! MUCH LOVE!!

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